Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Monday, December 22, 2008
Life's contradiction
I am kind of pissed off with how my life treats me.
I say to my Dear I am happy, he says " how can you say you are happy when you are always angry with something" (I am angry with the fact that he disbelieves my comment about being happy)
I hate to be distrusted (for no reason), it makes me feel wronged, trapped.
I say I love him, he gives me a wriggly body language, another one of those i-don't-think-you-mean-what-you-say kind of behaviour, almost like saying " don't lie and pretend you love me just so that you will get my love". I know it's kind of cunning to be acusing him like this as well, but can you imagine the hurt I felt when I am at the receiving end of such lousy body language. And when confronted days later, he said " I was just joking with you with that gesture and trying to be funny about your saying " I love you". WTH!
Another ironic thing, as an agreement to be a more guai girl, I compromised, stop asking or even expecting him to do what he don't like (like dine with my parents, which the thought of it gives him headache, the way gamelan music does to him) and he likes to stay within his house, fine! I gave in, didn't care what my mum had to comment about unmarried, unengaged girls spending huge amount of time at their bf's. I hung out in his house, it is unfair you know, making myself go into his territory where I am most unsafe in a sense. Yes, he says he appreciates it and can see the change (when I forcefully ask him did he realise)... Now I am feeling like this:
He doesn't want commitment: no no to anything to do with settling down, ROM, marriage. But on the other hand, he wants (or prefers) it that I am happy spending time as if I am part of the family. You want me to behave like I am part of the family ( and thankfully the family doesnt seem to have objections about that, providing dinner and letting me in the house) and yet it is so clearly stated that I will never be your family (married wife), at least not anytime soon. I feel so frustrated! Isn't it selfish, trying to kill two birds with one stone? He can behave like a goody boy, spends most of the week with his family, while I have to spend time with his family so that it can be counted as he having spent time with me? I mean if there's a payoff of a possible upcoming wedding then there is a dateline to the "suffering", it'll just be an endless wait.
Egoistic Singaporean Men!
I tried to bring up this point, he says he just wants to keep things simple and why can't I just not think too much and just keep things simple? Isn't it already far enough I have compromised? I ask if he wants to join me for a meal, he needs to think for hours and have to wait till the very last minute then tell me his decision and I'll have to dine alone since it's too late to ask anyone else so impromtu... Argh!@#$%^ what's wrong with this little boy? can he grow up?
I say to my Dear I am happy, he says " how can you say you are happy when you are always angry with something" (I am angry with the fact that he disbelieves my comment about being happy)
I hate to be distrusted (for no reason), it makes me feel wronged, trapped.
I say I love him, he gives me a wriggly body language, another one of those i-don't-think-you-mean-what-you-say kind of behaviour, almost like saying " don't lie and pretend you love me just so that you will get my love". I know it's kind of cunning to be acusing him like this as well, but can you imagine the hurt I felt when I am at the receiving end of such lousy body language. And when confronted days later, he said " I was just joking with you with that gesture and trying to be funny about your saying " I love you". WTH!
Another ironic thing, as an agreement to be a more guai girl, I compromised, stop asking or even expecting him to do what he don't like (like dine with my parents, which the thought of it gives him headache, the way gamelan music does to him) and he likes to stay within his house, fine! I gave in, didn't care what my mum had to comment about unmarried, unengaged girls spending huge amount of time at their bf's. I hung out in his house, it is unfair you know, making myself go into his territory where I am most unsafe in a sense. Yes, he says he appreciates it and can see the change (when I forcefully ask him did he realise)... Now I am feeling like this:
He doesn't want commitment: no no to anything to do with settling down, ROM, marriage. But on the other hand, he wants (or prefers) it that I am happy spending time as if I am part of the family. You want me to behave like I am part of the family ( and thankfully the family doesnt seem to have objections about that, providing dinner and letting me in the house) and yet it is so clearly stated that I will never be your family (married wife), at least not anytime soon. I feel so frustrated! Isn't it selfish, trying to kill two birds with one stone? He can behave like a goody boy, spends most of the week with his family, while I have to spend time with his family so that it can be counted as he having spent time with me? I mean if there's a payoff of a possible upcoming wedding then there is a dateline to the "suffering", it'll just be an endless wait.
Egoistic Singaporean Men!
I tried to bring up this point, he says he just wants to keep things simple and why can't I just not think too much and just keep things simple? Isn't it already far enough I have compromised? I ask if he wants to join me for a meal, he needs to think for hours and have to wait till the very last minute then tell me his decision and I'll have to dine alone since it's too late to ask anyone else so impromtu... Argh!@#$%^ what's wrong with this little boy? can he grow up?
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Things I never did...
I was arrogant and proud, and thought of that as confidence instead.
Recently being more alone than usual, I have picked up reading again. I realised I always start thigns off enthusiastically, and never quite finish them off as nicely as they could have been. One of the things that I regretted not doing was to be reading books on relationships--- I only read those teaching you how to get a guy, but I took it for granted that when the guy is with me I can have the best of worlds (if he loves me enough)... and I never take much effort to maintain the relationship, I never read any of those " how to stay together in a relationship" kind of books. Now I am in deep regret.
I am not regretting and not doing anything, I read randomly about anything that can make me change for a better person. I read a book about fengshui and clearing clutter, and got so enthusiatic about clearing my whole house because the bok says it can help with targeted asects of our lives : I want to improve my relationship with Dear. Also it can help with career and job is what I need and have been doing wrongly.... I worked hard until I was so tired to be considerate of Dear's needs, and I kept saying I am working hard because of him, he didn't like my not having a stable permanent job. Wrong! saying those made him stress that he is the cause for my unhappiness (Actually I feel bliss to have that aim to work hard so that we may eventually be together and I don't want him to slog his life out for me) He has read my messages wrongly and giving himself unnecessary stress. We both need to learn to communicate better.
Another book I read 101 things to do to find, be in and keep love. It pointed out that we should negotiate expectations to make sure we have a common aim to work towards in this relationship. Another thing learnt which I didn't even think of: there are things we wish there is someone we can do with, there are thigns we want to do only with our partner (or a particular non-partner) and there are things that we will only want to do by ourselves alone. We need to identify those needs of our partner and allow them to go out to carry out their favourite pastime on their own if they choose to, without feeling insecure. It would be even better if you can communicate that you wish to do certain things only by yourself. I didn't know that and I always make Dear so stress for clinging and wanting to follow him where he goes and do what he does. And he compromises and make himself upset and doesn't let me know. I now must find out what are the things he wants to do alone, when and i must tweak and fine-tune my approach to dating him.
Recently being more alone than usual, I have picked up reading again. I realised I always start thigns off enthusiastically, and never quite finish them off as nicely as they could have been. One of the things that I regretted not doing was to be reading books on relationships--- I only read those teaching you how to get a guy, but I took it for granted that when the guy is with me I can have the best of worlds (if he loves me enough)... and I never take much effort to maintain the relationship, I never read any of those " how to stay together in a relationship" kind of books. Now I am in deep regret.
I am not regretting and not doing anything, I read randomly about anything that can make me change for a better person. I read a book about fengshui and clearing clutter, and got so enthusiatic about clearing my whole house because the bok says it can help with targeted asects of our lives : I want to improve my relationship with Dear. Also it can help with career and job is what I need and have been doing wrongly.... I worked hard until I was so tired to be considerate of Dear's needs, and I kept saying I am working hard because of him, he didn't like my not having a stable permanent job. Wrong! saying those made him stress that he is the cause for my unhappiness (Actually I feel bliss to have that aim to work hard so that we may eventually be together and I don't want him to slog his life out for me) He has read my messages wrongly and giving himself unnecessary stress. We both need to learn to communicate better.
Another book I read 101 things to do to find, be in and keep love. It pointed out that we should negotiate expectations to make sure we have a common aim to work towards in this relationship. Another thing learnt which I didn't even think of: there are things we wish there is someone we can do with, there are thigns we want to do only with our partner (or a particular non-partner) and there are things that we will only want to do by ourselves alone. We need to identify those needs of our partner and allow them to go out to carry out their favourite pastime on their own if they choose to, without feeling insecure. It would be even better if you can communicate that you wish to do certain things only by yourself. I didn't know that and I always make Dear so stress for clinging and wanting to follow him where he goes and do what he does. And he compromises and make himself upset and doesn't let me know. I now must find out what are the things he wants to do alone, when and i must tweak and fine-tune my approach to dating him.
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