http://www.teacherdeveloper.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=1138
I just read an article on the above link... will elaborate my reflections when i have time.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
how true...
its the people you love that get to suffer under ur mistakes. and the biggest pain is when you see the face of your loved one in the pain u created.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
horoscope reading (names changed)
My Sun Opposition His Uranus:
If the two of you depend on each other to perform tasks and meet responsibilties (such as in a business relationship), you will find that it is often difficult to coordinate your schedules or focus on practical details. You do work together well on creative and innovative projects, however, when you do get together. You are likely to pop in and out of each other's lives at unexpected times.
His Sun Opposition My Jupiter:
There is a great deal of enthusiasm and optimism in your relationship. You inspire each other to expand your horizons, explore new possibilities, and improve your financial and social situation. You have a lot of good will towards each other, and also allow each other a lot of freedom. You may, however, engage in risky speculations together that are driven more by optimism and hopefulness than by well thought out plans, and consequently fall far short of your expectations. Overall, however, this astrological influence is a positive one of good will and optimism.
His Sun Trine My Saturn:
If the two of you depend on each other to accomplish practical tasks and be responsible, mature, and dependable to each other (such as in a business relationship or employer-employee relationship), then you will find that this aspect of your relationship is excellent. You can trust each other to get the job done and focus on the essential tasks. You have good attention to detail and your are able to focus on the most important issues when you work together. There is a strong sense of mutual commitment and dedication to each other.
If the two of you depend on each other to perform tasks and meet responsibilties (such as in a business relationship), you will find that it is often difficult to coordinate your schedules or focus on practical details. You do work together well on creative and innovative projects, however, when you do get together. You are likely to pop in and out of each other's lives at unexpected times.
His Sun Opposition My Jupiter:
There is a great deal of enthusiasm and optimism in your relationship. You inspire each other to expand your horizons, explore new possibilities, and improve your financial and social situation. You have a lot of good will towards each other, and also allow each other a lot of freedom. You may, however, engage in risky speculations together that are driven more by optimism and hopefulness than by well thought out plans, and consequently fall far short of your expectations. Overall, however, this astrological influence is a positive one of good will and optimism.
His Sun Trine My Saturn:
If the two of you depend on each other to accomplish practical tasks and be responsible, mature, and dependable to each other (such as in a business relationship or employer-employee relationship), then you will find that this aspect of your relationship is excellent. You can trust each other to get the job done and focus on the essential tasks. You have good attention to detail and your are able to focus on the most important issues when you work together. There is a strong sense of mutual commitment and dedication to each other.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
I am struggling
Yes, I am still undergoing a struggle of my life. I need to put order back in my life.
Dear dear is much more stabilise though he will still have bouts of insecure feeling and anxiety at times. Give him time, I am sure he will recupperate (just hope I do not crumble before he gets well).
On one hand I feel like giving my job hunt for a while (you know the hunt of the nearest-to-ideal job) and relax and re-think my options. On the other hand I do not want it to cause Dear, my family and people around me to feel helpless and stressed about my situation that they either start nagging at me to make me feel worse or they themselves get burdened by my dependency(which may sometimes be self-assumed).
I am really frustrated with my MPM boss, I feel very sorry for the students that she makes the whole system so messy. I can't take it (turning a blind eye to unfair treatment to the clients aka students), so I have decided to quit from her (and hopefully move to other franchise). Now she is coercing me to continue to take the 9-11.30am on Sunday. I want to keep that time (As promised) to Dear for morning exercise, spending time with his family, spending time with my family and doing things I myself like to do. I missed out so much of that this year, and I don't feel compensated by the minute amount of extra income I get after slogging 3/4 of a day at CCK every Sunday. *Sayang Xintian*
Today I kinda lost it and said bluntly " I don't want to take your classes anymore." I even had the rash urge (which thankfully I didn't execute) to sms her and say " I've decided to quit from you WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT". The worst is this drags, I counted: 23/11, 30/11, 7/12, 14/12, 21/12... just maximum five more sundays... I must press on!
Tomorrow I will be starting my CIDTT course. I am feeling nervous, yet Dear isn't quite there to give me moral support. He is goign to go throuh an important session with the Principal and he is quite nervous about it, I can only give him the space, and pray for his peace in mind and for things to go smoothly and not throw him more confusion. After tomorrow, I wish that everything will calm down soon.
Dear dear is much more stabilise though he will still have bouts of insecure feeling and anxiety at times. Give him time, I am sure he will recupperate (just hope I do not crumble before he gets well).
On one hand I feel like giving my job hunt for a while (you know the hunt of the nearest-to-ideal job) and relax and re-think my options. On the other hand I do not want it to cause Dear, my family and people around me to feel helpless and stressed about my situation that they either start nagging at me to make me feel worse or they themselves get burdened by my dependency(which may sometimes be self-assumed).
I am really frustrated with my MPM boss, I feel very sorry for the students that she makes the whole system so messy. I can't take it (turning a blind eye to unfair treatment to the clients aka students), so I have decided to quit from her (and hopefully move to other franchise). Now she is coercing me to continue to take the 9-11.30am on Sunday. I want to keep that time (As promised) to Dear for morning exercise, spending time with his family, spending time with my family and doing things I myself like to do. I missed out so much of that this year, and I don't feel compensated by the minute amount of extra income I get after slogging 3/4 of a day at CCK every Sunday. *Sayang Xintian*
Today I kinda lost it and said bluntly " I don't want to take your classes anymore." I even had the rash urge (which thankfully I didn't execute) to sms her and say " I've decided to quit from you WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT". The worst is this drags, I counted: 23/11, 30/11, 7/12, 14/12, 21/12... just maximum five more sundays... I must press on!
Tomorrow I will be starting my CIDTT course. I am feeling nervous, yet Dear isn't quite there to give me moral support. He is goign to go throuh an important session with the Principal and he is quite nervous about it, I can only give him the space, and pray for his peace in mind and for things to go smoothly and not throw him more confusion. After tomorrow, I wish that everything will calm down soon.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
A Serious Life
From one of Jimmy's picture books which I bought for Dear...
Translated and rephrase and reflected upon in my own opinionated words:
Not everything in life needs to be overly serious. Say you are playing hide-and-seek with your friends and you always hide yourself so well that no one can find you, eventually no one will want to play with you. There isn't any game that one will never lose.
I think we all should learn to take a bit of failure here and there with a pinch of salt and admire the growth we went through. Certain things that need not be so strict and stringent I should just let go, relax and feel at ease with the fuss-free lifestyle blessed upon me, why make myself so miserable and have to work so hard just to keep up with strict standards I set for myself? When there is no need to be too serious I should just relax and be more slack with myself.
Less stress will make me and Dear happy.
Iwill be happy for Dear's sake. =)
Translated and rephrase and reflected upon in my own opinionated words:
Not everything in life needs to be overly serious. Say you are playing hide-and-seek with your friends and you always hide yourself so well that no one can find you, eventually no one will want to play with you. There isn't any game that one will never lose.
I think we all should learn to take a bit of failure here and there with a pinch of salt and admire the growth we went through. Certain things that need not be so strict and stringent I should just let go, relax and feel at ease with the fuss-free lifestyle blessed upon me, why make myself so miserable and have to work so hard just to keep up with strict standards I set for myself? When there is no need to be too serious I should just relax and be more slack with myself.
Less stress will make me and Dear happy.
Iwill be happy for Dear's sake. =)
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Now I know what it means by hearts are linked
I do not mean to put Dear down by posting his problems. I shall keep it discreet for his sake of confidentiality.
It seems like Dear is having trouble getting out of his stress mode. He shouts at all of us not to force him, I have concluded when a man says this he needs to be forced to make a decision, either his own choice or we help him decide the best and force him to use the choice. It will at least take him out of his current loop.
I have decide to give him space and time to cool down. He is really in a mess, messier than I was the last time I was in a rough patch in my life, I could remember the painful decision I had to make to drop one subject in JC. Now he must have felt worse than me. So, parents if you are reading this, sometimes it is not always a good thing your kid grew up with a smooth transition with everything. I had to deal with my first failure when I was 17, lucky to have my dad who was though disappointed that I can't make it but still tried to look supportive. Thanks Dad.
Dads are the same, Dear's daddy must have been going through a hard time and I didn't make life better for him. From Dear's mum, Uncle was actually worried for me too. I felt so touched by his family and it further convinced me tha I want to stay on with him. His sister, though not quite knowing what's going on, gave me a hug and asked (though it sads me) "Xintian, why korkor don't come out see you? I love you Xintian." and she told her dad to also "sayang xintian"... How touching can that be?
I love Dear, I love his mum, his dad, his sister, his aunts and uncles. I love his family.
It seems like Dear is having trouble getting out of his stress mode. He shouts at all of us not to force him, I have concluded when a man says this he needs to be forced to make a decision, either his own choice or we help him decide the best and force him to use the choice. It will at least take him out of his current loop.
I have decide to give him space and time to cool down. He is really in a mess, messier than I was the last time I was in a rough patch in my life, I could remember the painful decision I had to make to drop one subject in JC. Now he must have felt worse than me. So, parents if you are reading this, sometimes it is not always a good thing your kid grew up with a smooth transition with everything. I had to deal with my first failure when I was 17, lucky to have my dad who was though disappointed that I can't make it but still tried to look supportive. Thanks Dad.
Dads are the same, Dear's daddy must have been going through a hard time and I didn't make life better for him. From Dear's mum, Uncle was actually worried for me too. I felt so touched by his family and it further convinced me tha I want to stay on with him. His sister, though not quite knowing what's going on, gave me a hug and asked (though it sads me) "Xintian, why korkor don't come out see you? I love you Xintian." and she told her dad to also "sayang xintian"... How touching can that be?
I love Dear, I love his mum, his dad, his sister, his aunts and uncles. I love his family.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Relationship Problems
I am now going through a rather difficult phase of my life of making choices: job, family, boyfriend, courses to upgrade myself etc. (doesn't mean I need too much of consolation, I might feel more stressed, I really don't know)
I always complain that my boyfriend is not good enough, saying things like other guys do this and he doesn't even ge anywhere near. Now I am almost losing him, I realise my mistake: I have been too selfish, measuring him according to what I want, not what he can do.
Seriously at this point in time, I had been reflecting and feeling very stresed that I am going to lose him, I asked myself, " What was I looking for when I shortlisted him? What are some of the criteria that he matched that I choose to be with him and stayed on for nearly two years?" I began to remember what we discussed on our first few outings (won't even call those dates as we were both still deciding if we want to be together).
I recalled I stated very clearly that in this relationship that was about to start, the agenda is marriage, children, family and not quite the usual dating and have fun, experience having a boyfriend kind of relationship. I told him directly " I am not quite looking for a boyfriend who will be so charming to drive me around in posh car, go to posh restaurants, flowers, chocolates... no need for that. I want someone who can bea good husband, who loves my children (even if he loves them more than me) and allow me to be the wife who takes care of his family and be there waiting for him when he comes home from work..."
I can't really type more, I so regret that I didn't quite follow what I set out for him. I had broken the deal, forcing him to go beyond what he has accepted.
If I were to give excuses for myself, I would say that I was too immature to not recall the deal just because I was in a panic that we do not seem to be geared towards marriage which was the most crucial thing in the deal we set out. I should have been more patient. I SHOULD BE MORE PATIENT.
Now, Dear is in a very stressful state, having to juggle between O level exams, NCC CCA, his Masters studies (Assignments, tutorials, readings...), his school work and me. I am not helping much when he say he wants to do his work alone and will come back after all his work is done. I was too wilful to insist on helping him do (yes I know, some things actually cannot be done by outsiders), al with the aim of him finishing faster an hence have more time for me. Selfish of me right?
Week after week, I just can't wait so long, I jumped to my own inner conclusion that he is seeing me not important and therefore leaving me to the last, I now figured out that he was so noble to keep me out of his stress and not want to hurt me. Because of my pestering and whinning at he is not caring enough, he couldn't quite focus. Why must I always e so insistent on things?
He had a number of time wanted to break up, I told him, then I will be good to wait patiently, just ocassionally visit him and we will continue after the O levels and Masters rush. But I didn't quite stick to it. When I wanted to visit him (you know, ometimes waiting is quite unbearable). I told him everything will be fine when he is done with his work. Why didn't I perserver and wait? It's all my fault.
Yesterday I spoilt things again. I reflected harder and really figured out that I was pressing him too hard. SO I wanted to make up for it and bought him chicken essence and chocolates. I wanted to leave it at the door since it was promised that we won't meet. His father saw me and invited me in. I made the choice of being nice since I always throw a din that if Dear isn't nice I refuse to enter his house. I went in and his dad woke him up. He was very angry and wanted to call the deal off. I was so upset with myself for making such a choice. I only wanted to make myself feel better by looking like I can be of help. In the end I made things worse for myself.
I had never seen Dear in such a sorry state before---totally blank mind, totally agitated and can't work properly. I pains me to see him like that and I felt like it was almost a consequent of my naive behaviour of making him chase after me ime and again just because of my tantrum.
I really wish he would give me a chance, just one last one. And I must tell myself to wait patiently. So if my friends reading this as some stuffs to do, please take me along if you can before I get too "free" and start sms-ing and calling him and spoiling things again. I just need to hang on for one week. (O levels ends on thursday, but it might be good to give him a few more days to really relax and cool off first)
Just one more week! Let's hope for the best.
I always complain that my boyfriend is not good enough, saying things like other guys do this and he doesn't even ge anywhere near. Now I am almost losing him, I realise my mistake: I have been too selfish, measuring him according to what I want, not what he can do.
Seriously at this point in time, I had been reflecting and feeling very stresed that I am going to lose him, I asked myself, " What was I looking for when I shortlisted him? What are some of the criteria that he matched that I choose to be with him and stayed on for nearly two years?" I began to remember what we discussed on our first few outings (won't even call those dates as we were both still deciding if we want to be together).
I recalled I stated very clearly that in this relationship that was about to start, the agenda is marriage, children, family and not quite the usual dating and have fun, experience having a boyfriend kind of relationship. I told him directly " I am not quite looking for a boyfriend who will be so charming to drive me around in posh car, go to posh restaurants, flowers, chocolates... no need for that. I want someone who can bea good husband, who loves my children (even if he loves them more than me) and allow me to be the wife who takes care of his family and be there waiting for him when he comes home from work..."
I can't really type more, I so regret that I didn't quite follow what I set out for him. I had broken the deal, forcing him to go beyond what he has accepted.
If I were to give excuses for myself, I would say that I was too immature to not recall the deal just because I was in a panic that we do not seem to be geared towards marriage which was the most crucial thing in the deal we set out. I should have been more patient. I SHOULD BE MORE PATIENT.
Now, Dear is in a very stressful state, having to juggle between O level exams, NCC CCA, his Masters studies (Assignments, tutorials, readings...), his school work and me. I am not helping much when he say he wants to do his work alone and will come back after all his work is done. I was too wilful to insist on helping him do (yes I know, some things actually cannot be done by outsiders), al with the aim of him finishing faster an hence have more time for me. Selfish of me right?
Week after week, I just can't wait so long, I jumped to my own inner conclusion that he is seeing me not important and therefore leaving me to the last, I now figured out that he was so noble to keep me out of his stress and not want to hurt me. Because of my pestering and whinning at he is not caring enough, he couldn't quite focus. Why must I always e so insistent on things?
He had a number of time wanted to break up, I told him, then I will be good to wait patiently, just ocassionally visit him and we will continue after the O levels and Masters rush. But I didn't quite stick to it. When I wanted to visit him (you know, ometimes waiting is quite unbearable). I told him everything will be fine when he is done with his work. Why didn't I perserver and wait? It's all my fault.
Yesterday I spoilt things again. I reflected harder and really figured out that I was pressing him too hard. SO I wanted to make up for it and bought him chicken essence and chocolates. I wanted to leave it at the door since it was promised that we won't meet. His father saw me and invited me in. I made the choice of being nice since I always throw a din that if Dear isn't nice I refuse to enter his house. I went in and his dad woke him up. He was very angry and wanted to call the deal off. I was so upset with myself for making such a choice. I only wanted to make myself feel better by looking like I can be of help. In the end I made things worse for myself.
I had never seen Dear in such a sorry state before---totally blank mind, totally agitated and can't work properly. I pains me to see him like that and I felt like it was almost a consequent of my naive behaviour of making him chase after me ime and again just because of my tantrum.
I really wish he would give me a chance, just one last one. And I must tell myself to wait patiently. So if my friends reading this as some stuffs to do, please take me along if you can before I get too "free" and start sms-ing and calling him and spoiling things again. I just need to hang on for one week. (O levels ends on thursday, but it might be good to give him a few more days to really relax and cool off first)
Just one more week! Let's hope for the best.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Proceed with life
Spent the whole morning talking to friends on the phone... thanks to those who picked up and talked to me...
Summary of what they said:
Doing a course in anything is good, it is a form of upgrade, better still if it gets you to where you want to be.
You must know where and exactly what you want for yourself, not being selfish, but you should consider you own desires and achievements you want to attain first, work towards that and people will see you in a different light.
You should be less needy, get a variety of company for a variety of purpose and activities, in short, get a life of your own.
I have decided to pursue the Cambridge International Diploma for Teachers and Trainers, under the GIG education centre. Anyone sees this and thinks it's a scam do alert me.
Summary of what they said:
Doing a course in anything is good, it is a form of upgrade, better still if it gets you to where you want to be.
You must know where and exactly what you want for yourself, not being selfish, but you should consider you own desires and achievements you want to attain first, work towards that and people will see you in a different light.
You should be less needy, get a variety of company for a variety of purpose and activities, in short, get a life of your own.
I have decided to pursue the Cambridge International Diploma for Teachers and Trainers, under the GIG education centre. Anyone sees this and thinks it's a scam do alert me.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Zither vs Yangqin
I was so happy to have purchased my very own zither in this SOLO trip. It costed me 800,000IDR which is less than 130SGD.
Learning to play this sweet little thing makes me happy. I used to think I can never make any obvious link with gamelan and yangqin. But hey! during the learning and practising process, I realised the very strange similarity: both the siter(as spelt in Indonesia, like you sit on it) and yangqin requires coordination of left and right hands and nothing much more. I mean, it isn't quite like the piano where you need to use all 10 fingers in some ocassions. The hardest part for me was that both hands are positioned differently and different actions are used for playing and damping, resulting in more than 4 possible manouvres. But I was glad I am slowly getting used to it and loving the sweet tingly sound it produces.
When I was playing the siter, I have the picture of myself on a rope swing. I don't really know why this happens. The rope swing is carefully cushioned with dusty(I don't mean the powderish dirt) pink satin to make it more comfortable. The swing moves gently back and forth, and somehow I have to keep playing, passing the melody from hand to hand and sometimes each hand being the suport for the other, all for the sake of keeping the clockwork momentum going and not stop.
Learning to play this sweet little thing makes me happy. I used to think I can never make any obvious link with gamelan and yangqin. But hey! during the learning and practising process, I realised the very strange similarity: both the siter(as spelt in Indonesia, like you sit on it) and yangqin requires coordination of left and right hands and nothing much more. I mean, it isn't quite like the piano where you need to use all 10 fingers in some ocassions. The hardest part for me was that both hands are positioned differently and different actions are used for playing and damping, resulting in more than 4 possible manouvres. But I was glad I am slowly getting used to it and loving the sweet tingly sound it produces.
When I was playing the siter, I have the picture of myself on a rope swing. I don't really know why this happens. The rope swing is carefully cushioned with dusty(I don't mean the powderish dirt) pink satin to make it more comfortable. The swing moves gently back and forth, and somehow I have to keep playing, passing the melody from hand to hand and sometimes each hand being the suport for the other, all for the sake of keeping the clockwork momentum going and not stop.
