end of week2

It's coming to the end of week 2 of term one, I've gotten better knowledge of my buddy wei-ee and the two classes I was to co-teach with her. School isn't too bad though not quite the type of deployment I was looking for: wrong subject(which can be a good new addition to my portfolio) and certainly I felt very weird having to share load with someone I hardly know and share credits too. Being an only child all my life, I never knew how to share properly.

Amidst the emotional stress I am facing, worrying about people gossiping about me sitting in the staffroom doing nothing, about how my peers think of me... I am forever worrisome about little nitty-grtty matters. Oh yes the sentence is incomplete, Amidst_______________, blah blah is happening...

Amidst the stress and frustration about my job, I sense that my relationship with Dear has been sustaining cracks here and there after our Christmas quarrel. Once again I put him low down on the scale and complained that he does not match up to my expectation, and my goodness, I even told him " If you are going to continue to becoming even more sloppy about our relationship, please take your leave!" How could I have said that? He's such a rare gem who can tolerate my nonsensical sudden swing of mood and emotions, and yet I was unappreciative just because he was unable to keep to his promise of meeting up for lunch?

Although I blame myself, I still do not understand why as people say " men are like that", men usually put up a nice wayang in the initial stages of courtship, making date frequency from once a month to once a fortnight to once every week, twice every week to the talking about buying house, buying engagement ring, children, house, car... It all seems wonderful and progressing smoothly when all of a sudden all I get was the once during the weekend half a day meetup. I felt unbalanced as I had tried very hard to satisfy both the requirement of having good sustainable income and still having time to spend with Dear. Sometimes, I hold myself together from falling apart, squashed up schedules so that I can squeeze out 2 more hours to add to my usual 1 hour break, sometimes teaching tuition during mealtimes to that we can have a night out without having to rush to somewhere. I know men usually don't enjoy dates when the girl has a time limit and have to rush off for work. I squeeze and squash myself in terms of schedule and earning power hoping to be more loved, how do I feel when I sudden seem to be reverted back to the trying out period of merely having a single meal and then adjourn home kind of weekly meeting affair?

I don't know why is the relationship moving backwards from discussing how children's education, caretaking should be, it suddenly became " I don't think we know each other well enough to get married(which technically is true even if you only talk about the length of time we know each other)" and "I am like that, it is my character, if you cannot live with this then you cannot be with me"... ...

My friend sums it up in one line " men can't multitask".