Relationship Problems

I am now going through a rather difficult phase of my life of making choices: job, family, boyfriend, courses to upgrade myself etc. (doesn't mean I need too much of consolation, I might feel more stressed, I really don't know)

I always complain that my boyfriend is not good enough, saying things like other guys do this and he doesn't even ge anywhere near. Now I am almost losing him, I realise my mistake: I have been too selfish, measuring him according to what I want, not what he can do.

Seriously at this point in time, I had been reflecting and feeling very stresed that I am going to lose him, I asked myself, " What was I looking for when I shortlisted him? What are some of the criteria that he matched that I choose to be with him and stayed on for nearly two years?" I began to remember what we discussed on our first few outings (won't even call those dates as we were both still deciding if we want to be together).

I recalled I stated very clearly that in this relationship that was about to start, the agenda is marriage, children, family and not quite the usual dating and have fun, experience having a boyfriend kind of relationship. I told him directly " I am not quite looking for a boyfriend who will be so charming to drive me around in posh car, go to posh restaurants, flowers, chocolates... no need for that. I want someone who can bea good husband, who loves my children (even if he loves them more than me) and allow me to be the wife who takes care of his family and be there waiting for him when he comes home from work..."

I can't really type more, I so regret that I didn't quite follow what I set out for him. I had broken the deal, forcing him to go beyond what he has accepted.

If I were to give excuses for myself, I would say that I was too immature to not recall the deal just because I was in a panic that we do not seem to be geared towards marriage which was the most crucial thing in the deal we set out. I should have been more patient. I SHOULD BE MORE PATIENT.

Now, Dear is in a very stressful state, having to juggle between O level exams, NCC CCA, his Masters studies (Assignments, tutorials, readings...), his school work and me. I am not helping much when he say he wants to do his work alone and will come back after all his work is done. I was too wilful to insist on helping him do (yes I know, some things actually cannot be done by outsiders), al with the aim of him finishing faster an hence have more time for me. Selfish of me right?

Week after week, I just can't wait so long, I jumped to my own inner conclusion that he is seeing me not important and therefore leaving me to the last, I now figured out that he was so noble to keep me out of his stress and not want to hurt me. Because of my pestering and whinning at he is not caring enough, he couldn't quite focus. Why must I always e so insistent on things?

He had a number of time wanted to break up, I told him, then I will be good to wait patiently, just ocassionally visit him and we will continue after the O levels and Masters rush. But I didn't quite stick to it. When I wanted to visit him (you know, ometimes waiting is quite unbearable). I told him everything will be fine when he is done with his work. Why didn't I perserver and wait? It's all my fault.

Yesterday I spoilt things again. I reflected harder and really figured out that I was pressing him too hard. SO I wanted to make up for it and bought him chicken essence and chocolates. I wanted to leave it at the door since it was promised that we won't meet. His father saw me and invited me in. I made the choice of being nice since I always throw a din that if Dear isn't nice I refuse to enter his house. I went in and his dad woke him up. He was very angry and wanted to call the deal off. I was so upset with myself for making such a choice. I only wanted to make myself feel better by looking like I can be of help. In the end I made things worse for myself.

I had never seen Dear in such a sorry state before---totally blank mind, totally agitated and can't work properly. I pains me to see him like that and I felt like it was almost a consequent of my naive behaviour of making him chase after me ime and again just because of my tantrum.

I really wish he would give me a chance, just one last one. And I must tell myself to wait patiently. So if my friends reading this as some stuffs to do, please take me along if you can before I get too "free" and start sms-ing and calling him and spoiling things again. I just need to hang on for one week. (O levels ends on thursday, but it might be good to give him a few more days to really relax and cool off first)

Just one more week! Let's hope for the best.