Tai-tai dun-wannabe

It's been more than a week since I am officially out of job. It actually feels more tired bumming around at home because I will feel guilty that I am not earning my keep so I should contribute by tidying the house or at least doing something useful for my family; for instance cook dinner, clean the house, wash and iron my parents' clothes... in short, being a miniature housewife for this home built by my mum and dad.

I'd think that's good training for my future, that I would probably be at a better position to manage my own home and make my hubby feel good about coming home from work and all that. Of course who doesnt yearn to be a Taitai who can have enough money for spending, just managing the household (probably no need to lift her own fingers to do chores, have maid to do it). I on the otherhand suddenly feel the contrary.

Now that I am out of job and Dear is still working his permanent full time job, I feel like I am a burden. Although we are not married or in anyway indebted or owes each other a living or anything that sort, I just feel that I am there to suck out his energy without much control from my side. While I am bored at home trying to stay useful, he is busy at work and I must restrain myself quite hard to avoid disturbing or hindering his work in any way so that hopefully he can finish his stuffs and have more time for me. That aside, of course I will try my best to remind myself that work comes first and for a man it is a good sign if he places his career in priority (even better if i stand on par with it). However, the little attention-seeking nature in me just had to burst sometime and I will either start to hyper around or just start imagining things in the bad direction.

Today, Dear said we cant have dinner because he has to take care of his sis while his parents can't be home. The first thought I had was impressed of his responsibility. After a while I began being jealous of his sister, that he places her more important than me (and will it remain that way I ask? would it bother me?) And even later I began to think if it was an excuse that he was using to avoid having dinner with me for having dinner will put him in the spot of me asking him to join me for music jamming which isn't quite his forte.



Call me too sensitive or whatever, but it isn't usual of him to call me after work just before heading home, just to say " nothing much, I just wanted to call you to ask what you are doing at this very moment" I really don't know what to think of it. First I was surprised, and touched as a result that he thought of me right away after a busy day's work and called me even before he heads home for the task of "babysitting" his sis. Flirted a little on the phone and showed my appreciation for his loving gesture. Then after a short while, I wondered if it was his guilty conscience, that he is hiding something from me or something (related or not related to me) was bothering him and he was trying to tell me or trying to use my presence to help him forget the matter for a while.

I am really confused and not really confident about this relationship. Sometimes when too many good things happen too fast, one get frightened and not know what to do. I wished love has some formulae or procedures to follow to at least feel safe. But oh well, the one sure thing about life is that it is unpredictable.