From my friend, Jenn Chiang

These are called paraprosdokian sentences.
The first half has one meaning and the second half provides a whole new meaning.
I asked God for a bike but I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with idiots.
They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian
any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you.
But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you,
we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up,
we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right,
only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

The early bird might get the worm
but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening'
and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from man is research.

If God is watching us,
the least we can do is be entertaining.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of payments.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything
but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are smart,
within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career;
turns out I just wanted pay cheques.

A bank is a place that will lend you money
if you can prove that you don't need it.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I didn't say it was your fault;
I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars
but check when you say the paint is wet.

Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president
and 50 for Miss America?

Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real
but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist.
He won't expect it back.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home
even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness
but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way
whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Change is inevitable,
except from a vending machine.